I Before E...

Everyone knows the cutesy rhyme:

I before E,
Except after C

And most people know the next part:

Or when sounding like A
As in "neighbor" or "weigh"

But that isn't really thorough. Here are a few exceptions to the rules:

counterfeit
forfeit
either and neither
height
leisure
seize and seizure
weird

If you want to be really confusing, use a sentence like:

My neighbor is weird, because he likes to seize counterfeit bills as a leisure activity and test either the height or weight... or neither.

Although that sentence is only really confusing because it doesn't really make much sense.

Measuring the height of the counterfeit cash... for leisure?

Discrete and Discreet

This is one of those word mix-ups that you can have a lot of fun with, because the examples can be very funny.

Discrete means separate, either in separate parts or separate from external influence. 

Discreet means keeping your mouth shut about something.

I took a class in high school called discrete math. Discrete math deals in "countable sets," like how many apples are in a bag.* It's the opposite of continuous math (like calculus) which can handle concepts like imaginary numbers or infinity. "Infinity apples" is not a countable set; you can't count infinity apples.

That's not infinity; that's, like... twenty.

My discrete math teacher (meaning the math was discrete, not the teacher... that's a horrifying thought) thought it was terribly funny when people wrote "discreet math." "Shh! We're doing math! Tell nobody!"

Or, if you prefer a non-math example:

The baker cut the cake into twelve discrete slices discreetly, telling nobody about it.

*Discrete math does a lot more than this, but for my purposes, this is a sufficient explanation. Also, I took the class a decade ago; I don't remember it all.

The Serial Comma

There is a debate raging in the punctuation world about what is referred to as the serial comma. It's also called the Harvard comma, or the Oxford comma. Every time you list things in a sentence, you choose one side or the other in this punctuation war.

Kitchen Lion returns!

This is a sentence with the serial comma:
The lion destroyed the table, the chairs, and the floor.

This is the same sentence without the serial comma:
The lion destroyed the table, the chairs and the floor.

You see? The comma after "chairs" is the serial comma. It comes between the last two items in a list.

I am firmly planted on the pro-serial-comma side of the argument, because I feel like it makes more sense.

In my humble opinion, some lists feel rushed at the end if there is no serial comma. In my head, I read that example sentence up there as:
The lion destroyed the table, the chairs AND THE FLOOR! Don't forget the floor! You were going to interrupt me after I said chairs but I managed to mention the floor!

Other sentences are more difficult to comprehend if you omit the serial comma. One way this happens is by combining the last two items into one item. This viral comic sums up this problem pretty well:

If you have issues seeing or reading the image, I'll summarize:

I had eggs, toast, and orange juice. This identifies the three items you had.

I had eggs, toast and orange juice. This looks like the toast and orange juice were combined as one item, which is pretty unappealing.

Another comprehension problem enters more often when using names. It can sound like you're addressing the last two people listed, instead of including them in the list. For example:

The lion ate the breakfasts of Alex, Beth and Chris.

This sentence can either be saying that three breakfasts were eaten (that of Alex, that of Beth, and that of Chris) or it could be addressing Beth and Chris, telling them that Alex's breakfasts were eaten. Because Alex habitually eats multiple breakfasts, for some unidentified reason. (I recognize that I did a weird thing with the possessive here, but it's because I'm trying to make a point.)

It can also resolve the issue of making it sound like the second and third items are naming the first item. Confused? Look at my example:

The lion ate the cats, Beth and Chris.

In this sentence, we have three options. The lion ate multiple cats, as well as Beth and Chris. Or perhaps the cats were named Beth and Chris. Or, like in the last example, I'm informing Beth and Chris of the unfortunate situation in which the lion ate the cats. The most likely option is the first, and to make the meaning more apparent, you can use a serial comma:

The lion ate the cats, Beth, and Chris.

Sometimes the serial comma can't even help you, though. Consider the following:

The kitchen contains a lion, a Capricorn, and an accountant.

Is the lion the Capricorn, and you're telling us that the lion (who is, by the way, a Capricorn) and an accountant are in the kitchen? Or are you listing three separate items: first, a lion; also, a Capricorn; and finally, the accountant? If you omit the serial comma, you have:

The kitchen contains a lion, a Capricorn and an accountant.

That sounds more like the lion is both a Capricorn and an accountant, and you are only identifying one kitchen occupant: the lion. (Who happens to be the other two things listed.)

Don't be absurd... Lions are terrible at math.

Still... I don't understand the hatred toward the serial comma. It's just trying to help. It wants you to understand!

Reign and Rein

Horses and kings, while having some similarities, are not the same things. Perhaps that is a common misconception that leads to the confusion over the words reign and rein. But I doubt it.

Reign is the period of time a king (or other sovereign leader) occupies the throne (or other way of expressing the seat of power in a government). It can also be used as a verb: to rule, or possess sovereign power or authority.

Rein is that thing that holds horses back.

In The Return of the King, Aragorn does a lot of reining of horses, but takes his sweet time getting around to doing any actual reigning over the kingdom of men.

(Weak example, I know; I just wanted to look at Viggo Mortensen. You're welcome.)

Wherefore

In honor of Valentine's Day, I'll use a romantic example today. (For more about the word "romantic" and lots of related concepts, check out my post on Review Me Twice today!)

I don't think anyone outside of high school students reading Romeo and Juliet out loud say wherefore anymore, which is probably why people so often confuse its meaning with that of where.

"Wherefore art thou Romeo?"

Juliet isn't asking where Romeo is; she knows he's right there under the balcony. It's pretty obvious. They've actually been talking for a little while at this point in the dialogue, so it would be weird for her to suddenly ask where he is.

She's asking why he has to be Romeo. Why couldn't he be someone acceptable to her family? Why couldn't he have been born to a different family? Ignoring the issues of his personality being influenced by the nurture side of the nature versus nurture argument, he would then be a suitable companion for her, and they wouldn't have to sneak around and wind up dead. (Um... spoiler alert?)

So as tempting as it can be to sound Shakespearean while searching for your phone, "Wherefore art thou iPhone?" only makes sense if you regret your decision and wish you had a Droid instead.

Which one is the Capulet and which is the Montague?

Weary and Wary

Monday Mixups are a celebration of the confusion surrounding homophones, homonyms, and other commonly switched words.

I feel like I hear this one more often than the average English-speaking American because of where I live. The accents in Virginia and North Carolina tend to make weary and wary sound more similar than they ought to, but you can still usually tell which one the speaker was actually saying.

Wary means vigilant, watchful, or cautious.

Weary means exhausted or fatigued, or sometimes impatient or dissatisfied. It can also be used as a verb.

So while I am wary of the lion in the kitchen, I am weary after fighting it all day. I am also weary of hearing your excuses for not helping me fight the kitchen-lion.